A Pirate's Expansive and Authoritative
by meethzoonk
Summary: Explanationary For The Unexpected : Alas, the title does not fit and already it has three words Luffy does not understand. LN


It was written very clearly in great, big, bolding letters across the golden leathery front:

**A Pirate's Expansive and Authoritative Explanationary For The Unexpected  
_by Cap'n William Kidd_**

The title itself already had three words Luffy did not understand. His eyes swirled; sideways, upside-down, backwards. Quickly, he turned it around, and written behind the self-psychology book that had already sold millions of copies across the Grand Line was: '_Remember, the nicest days to expect the unexpected are Thurdays_'. He frowned, looking up at Robin. "You sure this is what I need?"

Robin shrugged. "Well, it has helped me when I needed help."

"I might need your dictionary!"

"You're welcome to borrow it anytime, Captain-san." With her patented enigmatic smile, Robin handed him a frighteningly thick book that made Luffy's heart sink heavily the moment he touched it. "Ask Cook-san to whip you up some food. You'll be hungry after a few words, I'm sure." she added as an afterthought, and Luffy couldn't agree less.

After gobbling down fifty steaks or so, Luffy decided that the dictionary proved an even bigger trouble than the 'Pirate' book, so he ditched it out into the sea (forgetting completely that it wasn't his). He opened and consulted page 1 instead, which started off with these sentences:

_Salutations! You are on the very first page of A Pirate's Expansive and Authoritative Explationary For The Unexpected! As written on the backside of the book, the nicest days to expect the unexpected are Thurdays, which is the fourth day of the week, and the day when Sea Monkeys breed. Gold Roger was born on a Thursday and I was also born on a Thursday and if you are reading this then you might be too. Rejoice!_

"Wicked!" said Luffy happily, and read on.

_The thing with the unexpected is that we never can expect anything from it. Some people like to call it 'spontaneousity' while others prefer 'impulsiveness'and those who does not like things that are unplanned might call it 'bad luck' added with varieties of 'darn', 'damn', 'arr', 'yeargh' and so on. Keep in mind that when the unexpected happens, you are expected to shriek and freak out. Andt through this book, you lucky pirates shall discover the art of the unexpected, freak out the right way, and learn what to expect from it. Read on, and rejoice!_

At this point, Luffy only had difficulty reading two words, which were 'spontaneousity' and 'impulsiveness'. But he cleverly settled it by supposing that 'sponatenousity' had something to do with 'spongebath', and he was pretty sure 'impulsiveness' held similar meanings with 'imsogonnabepirateking'.

_Firstly, think what happened previously; what made you pick up this book and read it when you'd obviously rather have someone cook you fifty sausages with noodles and boiled Sea Monkey eggs?_

"Hey! This guy knows his food." said Luffy, nodding approvingly.

_Tell yourself about it; is it him? Is it her? Is it both? At the same time? A ship? Part of a ship? An animal of some sort? A Sea Monkey by the name of Bobby? We all have problems. Think about it, and rejoice! _

"Erh, for me, I used to pine after a 'he' by the name of Shanks, then there's Zoro, and probably Sanji at the same time, but then they started to ignore me in out little meetings so right now it's a 'she' and her name is Nami…" Luffy thought aloud, forgetting that he was still in public view and Chopper was gurgling bubbles right beside him, but he didn't care. He closed his eyes and recalled the events that happened, that Thursday evening...

A shriek awoke Luffy, that day, when he was starting to doze off on his favourite chair. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" the shriek said, all caps.

He groggily turned around to see Nami, grinning, her arms outstreched, and there was a tiny package inside her hands. "Is it my birthday?" he asked, puzzled.

"No, but I felt like giving you something and it would be, ehm, _weird_, ehm, if I gave it to you without reason. Ehm."

He took the package and ripped it open. "Cool! What's this – a bracelet? It has WWRD written on it, what's that?"

"Never mind that," snapped Nami who started shifting her feet, mumbling something about 'Gold Roger' and 'charity'. "The important thing is that I thought it'd look good on you – and I was right. It does! Now you can throw away that horribly yellow rubber bracelet you stole from Usopp."

"But it has 'Badass Pirates Live Strong' written on it!"

"Oh, and I suppose the yellow clashes perfectly with the only red shirt you have and those blue pants you never wash?"

"My straw hat is yellow." Luffy said reasonably.

"It's not yellow, it's _straw_. Throw it out! Please?"

Nami smiled brilliantly and at that point, Luffy had just noticed how the air sparkled around her. Suddenly, something erupted inside his stomach. Or maybe beside it. A little to the left. Up, up, up. Yep, that's the spot. "Erh."

"Luffy, what's wrong? You look pained."

"Erh." He was terribly hungry, suddenly. It's meat-filling time, Luffy thought. He fled for the kitchen. Alas, odd how his hunger disappeared when Nami was out of sight. When he discussed it with Robin, a few days after, he realised that he was feeling something along the lines of 'like'.

"How cute," Robin had said, and started giggling when nobody was watching, but quickly regained her mystic aura when her extra eye saw someone coming.

Luffy, however, did not think it was cute. It was hunger, but worse. In this case, food (to Luffy's horror) did not help. Must freak out! So that's how the books came out.

So now, Luffy continued to read the book he borrowed from Robin entitled '_A Pirate's Expansive and Authoritative Explationary For The Unexpeced_', and so far he had learned a lot about Sea Monkeys.

"Whatcha reading?" a voice said behind him.

Luffy turned around, the colour orange conquered his view. "Nami! I wanted to see you! You know, I think it's time I say this, and the truth is I really lik –"

"I really like you, Luffy." interjected Nami suddenly, in the same tone as she would say 'Pay up, buster!'. She cleared her throat. "Now, this may come as a surprise, and I'm very sure you have no idea what I really mean, so I'm going to explain to you right now."

Luffy's brain somersaulted. His jaw did press-ups.

"See here," Nami started, and raised her left hand, disguised as a sock puppet wearing a mini straw-hat. "This is you, and see this one-" She raised her right hand, which was covered in an amazingly beautiful silk puppet doll with 100 authentic orange wool as hair. "-this is me! We pleasantly meet, have whirligigs of fun, big smoochies follow, something happens that does not pass the censors, and off we go la-dee-daa into the setting sun together."

Luffy's eyes did cartwheels.

"Really, Luffy. If puppets doesn't work then I don't know what I can do to explain the facts of life to—"

"Damn it, Nami! _I_ was supposed to say 'I like you' first!" interrupted Luffy, now that his head had finished working out.

Nami stared at him, flustered. "But… I wasn't expecting you to say that."

"Really? You weren't? Wow, you should read William Kidd!"

"That bloke who did that _thing_ with a Sea Monkey?" Nami shuddered, "I read that in the Grand Line Gazette!"

"I don't know about Sea Monkeys," Luffy said, shaking his head. "But I do know that I really like you, and I understand you... I think. I get a strange rumble in my tummy when I see you, so that must mean I really like you… I think."

"You might just want to eat me."

"Nah, I have a different stomach for that."

"Oh." Nami considered. "So you absolutely understand?"

Luffy grinned. "Yeah! … I think."

"I hated these puppets anyway." Nami slipped the puppets off her hands and chucked them out into the sea, following the fate of it's predescessor; Robin's dictionary. "Now that you've understood what I said, I want you to kiss me, baby." she said throatily.

Luffy raised his eyebrows. _Kiss_ her? The mere thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing his mind. He had always supposed that loving and kissing and having sex were three different categories, and while he had aced category number one, he still has a lot to learn about category number two and three. Especially with Nami closing her eyes and puckering her lips and looking very much like that goldfish monster they encountered in the outskirts of Little Garden.

"Nami, your face…" Luffy said, trying his hardest not to laugh. But all his efforts were fruitless, as within seconds he was howling with laughter. He cried with laughter. He fell backwards onto the floor, kicked his legs in the air, beat his chest. Gradually, he subsided, panting. He looked at Nami. He sniggered again. He laughed hard as if he would never laugh again. Eventually he fell asleep.

"Well, that sucks." said Nami, who had finally opened her eyes.

**END!**

I was in the middle of writing a Luffy/Nami epic when this idea suddenly popped into life. Short and slightly pointless, but I really enjoyed writing it. I didn't post this on a Thursday so obviously I'm expecting something (ehm, reviews!) XD


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